How to Navigate the Silent Treatment
What is the silent treatment?
First of all, let’s define the silent treatment. The silent treatment is the deliberate act of withholding communication or emotional connection with someone. This usually takes place after a rupture in the relationship, but can sometimes feel like it’s happening out of the blue. The silent treatment is incredibly hurtful and is often rooted in manipulation, making it a challenging and scary thing to navigate.
In a relationship, the silent treatment can be a manipulative tactic to put the other party in the conflict on the defensive. It’s a way to feel in control and is essentially an ultimatum - ‘give me what I want, fix this issue or cater to me in this way or else I won’t speak to you.’
The silence feels like punishment. It creates urgency and pressure for the other person to try to resolve the conflict, which insinuates a lack of willingness to be vulnerable, compromise and approach the situation with compassion and curiosity. Just because this is manipulative, doesn’t mean it’s intentionally so all the time. Some people have used the silent treatment to protect themselves and survive really challenging life circumstances. That being said, it is something that needs to change in order to have healthy relationships.
Now similar to the silent treatment, but a little different is something The Gottman Method calls stonewalling. Some people when they are approached with conflict become so overwhelmed, uncomfortable and anxious that they shut down and retreat from the situation, leaving them silent and withdrawn. This is not a manipulation tactic, but more of a reaction to being in fight or flight. In this case, it becomes a challenge of coping and regulating the nervous system in order to maintain presence in the situation. This may look like ‘the silent treatment’ but it comes from a very different origin.
Whether you are dealing with the silent treatment or stonewalling, it’s is not a healthy response to conflict and can lead to bigger concerns in relationships. It’s important to notice and name it when it’s happening in relationships and do the work needed to prevent it. It’s not only important to notice and name when someone you love is giving you the silent treatment, but also to express how it makes you feel.
How to address the silent treatment
First step is to be really clear on the feelings that come up for you in the silence. Some examples may be feeling scared, isolated, worried, frustrated, sad, angry or anxious. It’s also very important to use “I” statements when addressing this.
Some options of how to address this would be:
“I’m feeling isolated and frustrated that you aren’t speaking to me. I want to understand your perspective and resolve this. Can we discuss what’s on our minds together?”
“When we stop communicating, I feel hurt and isolated. Can we talk about what’s going on between us?”
“I notice you’re not responding to me right now, and I really want to understand how each of us is feeling. Are you feeling ready to talk about this?”
You’ll notice in all of these examples, we use “I” not “you” statements, and we focus on how it makes us feel in the moment. It’s also really important to assert what you want when addressing the silent treatment, hence the question at the end of each of these examples. Describing how you feel is important, and asking directly for movement forward is very helpful in breaking the silence.
If the silent treatment or stonewalling is something you struggle with in your relationship, couples therapy can also be an incredible resource to navigate and work through communication and connection concerns.