How to Say “No” As a People Pleaser
For people pleasers, saying no can feel really uncomfortable so our first practice is to be open and willing to tolerate the discomfort. This is much easier said than done, but gets easier and easier as we practice. With a few tools in your pocket and consistent practice, you’ll be setting effective boundaries in no time. When you are getting ready to say no, It’s helpful to write out a little script for yourself if you can, that way you don’t have to think of the words while you are feeling the big feelings.
One suggestion I like to give clients struggling to say no is to start with small requests and build up from there. Maybe you start by saying no to the waiter at a restaurant when they ask if you want dessert or maybe you go to the farmer’s market and say no to some of the sellers asking if you want to try their product or purchase anything. Start there, and then build up to saying no to friends and loved ones, which may feel harder and more uncomfortable.
Additionally, having a few coping skills on hand for after you say no is very helpful to better manage the guilt and discomfort that comes up from it. This can come in the form of a mantra, a self-care activity, or some token that provides you with the self-validation you may need in that moment.
Some mantras that I’ve found helpful are:
“I deserve time for myself and it’s okay to take the time I need.”
“I am still a loving, caring friend/partner when I say no and I take space for myself.”
“Taking care of myself is of the highest good for all, even if it means short-term discomfort.”
“My desires and needs are important, and I value them.”
Some regulating/self-care activities may include:
talking a walk
taking a long shower or bath
journaling
eating your favorite food
curling up and watching a funny movie
praying
listening to a podcast
Lastly, don’t lie! When practicing saying no and learning to tolerate discomfort, it’s important to be true and honest with yourself and others. Sometimes when we struggle to say no, we’ll lie and make an excuse that feels “good enough” to us, but this is the opposite of advocating for yourself! You do not have to lie to take care of yourself and say no to unwanted requests. No is a full sentence.
Let me know in the comments if you’re open to trying any of these mantras!